Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Rock of Ages – Part 1


Ok, so I had been putting in close to 70 hours a week for work so this was a typical Saturday at home for me doing work.  All day long I experienced what I thought was stomach cramps.  Later that evening, the “cramps” worsened and became so intense I wound up in bed curled up in the fetal position.  I was in serious freaking pain!  It all became clear…it wasn’t stomach cramps.  I’m thinking it’s another damn kidney stone.  This is where my journey to the ER began.

Upon arrival at the ER, I was greeted with a wheel chair as I could barely walk the pain was so agonizing.  Even in the wheel chair I was writhing in pain, but to my surprise, I was taken straight back to the assessment area and then brought immediately to a room.  I was instructed to remove only my shirt and clad myself with the hospital’s chosen wardrobe that included the famous “bum exposing” gown.  Minutes later, the nurse entered to start my IV, ask me a few questions and administer my first dose of Dilaudid.  Hell yeah!  He informed me that I would soon be going to x-ray to get a CT scan.  I soon began feeling the effects of the Dilaudid as my pain slightly subsided as did my irritability.  But…in walks this little redhead.  Those of you that know me well know that I LOVE redheads, but you’ll soon find out that this particular one really pissed me off.  By this time, the Dilaudid has had a chance to really begin to have a nice effect on me.  I am still hurting a bit, but I no longer have lips which I’m attempting to conceal with my hand so no one will notice and my eyes have begun to do some really freaky things that to this day, I still cannot explain.  So the redhead walks over to the bedside and begins asking questions for insurance purposes.  The first number of questions I was able to answer with a simple nod of the head.  Then she starts asking questions where I have to recite information.  Where do I work?  I tried to tell her.  It just so happened my then employer’s name had the word catastrophe in it.  I kid you not, this is her response, “So that is c-a-t-a how do you spell that?”  By that time, I cannot even think straight.  I said TACASTRAPHE, TACASTRAPHE.  It just went downhill from there.  She asked for my address.  Nope…I couldn’t remember.  Then my social security number.  Yeah right!  Really?!?!  I ended up just pulling out my wallet and telling her, as best as I could, given the state my lips were in, that she can find everything she needed in there.  Finally, I was saved.  In walked the x-ray technician.  Do you know that redhead had the nerve to ask me to initial, sign and date the form?  Remember I told you my eyes were playing tricks on me?  Not only could I not see, but I could not even remember how to spell my own name.  I took the pen and scribbled what I could on her paper and was rolled out to x-ray!

The x-ray tech is rolling me down the hall and she keeps looking at me rather peculiarly as I was her as well.  Given the state I was in, this girl appeared as a walking marshmallow with glasses.  She was dressed completely in white, extremely anti-slender and talked too damn much.  Finally, as we near the door to the x-ray room, she asks me what is wrong.  I tell her that I cannot feel my lips and my eyes were “fucked up”.  She opened that door so fast, she nearly fell down or should I say rolled over.  She then screamed into the room for her co-workers to come immediately.  A few of them came over and asked if there was a problem.  She said “Yes there is a serious problem.  He just told me he can’t feel his lips and his eyes are feeling weird.”  They asked her what I was in for so she looked at my chart and responded with possible kidney stone.  They asked if I had been given any pain meds.  She looked and said I had been given Dilaudid.  I can still hear them giggling at her.  They said bring him in and help him get on the table.  As they were prepping the table, one of the other techs told me I should probably put my wallet back in my pocket.  I responded that it would be OK right where it was on the bed.  He then said he would help me get it into my pocket because it would make him feel better.  So he begins to roll me over and unbuttons my pocket.  I yell out “Whoa buddy!  I thought you were putting it in my pocket!  Please don’t put anything in my ass right now, please man!”  After the scan I was brought back to my room and given yet another dose of Dilaudid!

So after some waiting, we get the results of the scan.  Sure enough, I did have a kidney stone.  The size was 7mm.  Wow!  Ok, for you ladies, that equates to approximately 1.25 carats in diamond size!  And for the guys, that is slightly over ¼ of an inch.  Anyways, I was given a few more doses of Dilaudid over the next few hours.  Then when it was time for me to go home, I was given a couple of Percocet to get me through the night.  I was told to follow up with my urologist within the next few days and sent home.

To be cont…

Theodore vs. the Oompa-Loompas


So, the other day Theodore and I were sitting under our tree with our kick ass tree house in it watching the Oompa-Loompas playing soccer.  Theodore was having his 40-ounce of Miller Lite like normal.  For some reason, he was in a rather pissy mood that day.  All of a sudden I see Theodore get up and start running towards the soccer field, pick up the soccer ball and kick it across the street.  All I could do is watch in amazement.  Next thing I know, the Oompa-Loompas gather around him and begin chanting:

“Oompa Oompa, Doompadee Doo
I’ve got some simple advice for you.
If you touch our soccer ball once more
We will knock your monkey ass to the floor.”

Theodore then yells a few explatives to them and strolls back to the tree, sits down and begins to sip his 40-ounce again. I asked him why he did that and explained that I liked Willy Wonka and that I eat Sweet Tarts and Nerds and that wasn’t a cool thing to do. He said “Fu&% those little orange guys. Why can’t they just talk normal?” So we continue to watch the game.

Not fifteen minutes later, Theodore gets up, looks around and takes off running full speed towards the soccer field.  He’s headed for a Oompa standing alone on the side of the field.  He gets closer and closer.  Next thing you know, he drop kicks the little guy.  He freaking drops kicks the orange fellow.  I’m thinking, OH MY GOD.  There’s going to be a riot.  The orange people are going to start coming out the woodwork.  The soccer game stops.  All the Oompa-Loompas run over and gather around their friend.  You then hear a sound above and then appears a glass elevator with Willy Wonka coming down out of the sky.  Wonka gets out of the elevator, picks up the hurt Oompa, brings him back to the elevator and takes off back into the sky.  As he’s taking off, he orders the other Oompas to “Get Him”.  The Oompas encircle Theodore, and I’m pretty sure Theodore got the ass-whipping of his life.  After about 20 minutes, Theodore stumbles back to the tree, sits down and takes a sip of his beer and says “And I always thought those little orange bastards were make believe!”