Archive for the ‘Miscellaneous’ Category

Official Dawg Code of the Dovah Tribe

Jun
18

Below you will find the Official Dawg Code (known as the “Bro Code” to some). This code has been around for centuries yet its original roots remain unknown. The code is meant to strengthen the bond between guys and create an everlasting camaraderie. This separates the men from the boys ladies and gentlemen. This particular code is specific to the Dovah Tribe. I now present to you the Official Dawg Code:

1. Dawgs before hoes. The bond between two Dawgs is stronger than that between a Dawg and a coed Dawg or any other female. A Dawg may opt to spend time with his fellow Dawgs even before spending time with a coed Dawg, girlfriend/wife or any other female.

2. A Dawg is always entitled to do something stupid as long as the rest of his Dawgs are all doing it. For example – If only one Spanish dude were to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would have been like “Dude, come on!!”. The license to be stupid is why we have Dawgs in the first place.

3. If a Dawg gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full grown. A corollary to this states that naming a lap-dog after a pro-wrestler or a character from a Steve McLain movie does not absolve a Dawg from this article.

4. A Dawg never divulges the existence of the Dawg code to a woman unless the woman has been designated a coed Dawg.

5. Whether he cares about sports or not, a Dawg must care about sports (including coed Dawgs).

6. A Dawg shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Dawgs in a gym locker room. A corollary to this states that should a Dawg get naked in the locker room, all other Dawgs shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while at the same time immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage. If your towel drops to the ground, so should your eyes.

7. A Dawg never sends a greeting card to another Dawg. There are no sentiments between two Dawgs that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail (including coed Dawgs).

8. A Dawg never admits he can’t drive a stick even after an accident.

9. Should a Dawg lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Dawgs will not make lame jokes such as “Gimme three” or “Wow!! Quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball!!” It’s still a hi-five and that Dawg still has a lot of balls, metaphorically speaking of course.

10. A Dawg will drop whatever he is doing and rush to help his Dawg dump a chick. This does not apply to coed Dawgs because a dog shall never date a coed Dawg. Therefore, the “BFF” and the “girlfriend code” do not apply. A Dawg is entitled to pursue a coed Dawg’s friend in any manner he sees fit. It’s normal for a Dawg to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. For some reason he is worried she will become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to hook up with her friends. This is when a Dawg most needs his Dawg to remind him that there are plenty of chicks in the ocean and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful or even time- consuming.

11. A Dawg may ask another Dawg to help him move but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large furniture pieces. If the Dawg has vastly underestimated, either his Dawgs retain the right to leave his possessions where they are, in most cases stuck in a door-way.

12. Dawgs do not share dessert.

13. All Dawgs shall dub one of their Dawgs his wingman even if said Dawg is a coed Dawg. Designated dawg must comply with this request.

14. If a chick enquires about another Dawg’s sexual history, a Dawg shall honor the Dawg Code of silence and play dumb. Dawgs, including coed Dawgs, shall never, ever cock block.

15. A Dawg never dances with his hands above his head.

16. A Dawg should be able to recite anytime the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series and Play Mate of the year.

17. A Dawg shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers unless they are beneath him on the pyramid of screaming. America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder and the tradition has been screamed to generation from generation. But you just can’t scream at anybody. You can only scream beneath you.

18. If a Dawg spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group. Note: To avoid confrontation it’s a good idea to jettison the receipt before returning to the party.

19. A Dawg shall not sleep with another Dawg’s sister. However, a Dawg shall not get angry if another Dawg says “Dude, your sister’s hot!!” Corollary, it is probably better for everyone if Dawgs just hide pictures of their sisters when other Dawgs are coming over. When in doubt refer to the check list for Dawg-proofing your home.

20. A Dawg respects his Dawgs in the military because they’ve selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.

21. A Dawg never shares observations about another Dawg’s smoking-hot girlfriend even if the Dawg with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Dawg by saying “She’s smoking-hot, huh?” A Dawg shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting. An exception to this rule is when a coed Dawg says, “This is my best friend. Isn’t she hot?” The Dawg can agree.

22. There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Dawg. Women make excellent Dawgs because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the chick code (Chicks do have the chick code!!). NOTE: If a woman does become a Dawg, the chick code no longer pertains to that woman.

23. When flipping through TV channels with his Dawgs, a Dawg is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes but is not limited to, exercise shows, women’s athletics, and on some occasions surgery programs.

24. When wearing a baseball cap, a Dawg may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

25. If a Dawg and coed Dawg are watching TV together, it is understood that the Dawg has first rights to the remote control.

26. Unless he has children, a Dawg shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.

27. A Dawg never removes his shirt in front of other Dawgs, unless at a resort pool or the beach. Corollary, a Dawg with a coat of fur on his back, keeps that thing covered at all times even at resort, pool or beach.

28. A Dawg will, in a timely manner, alert his Dawg to the existence of a fight between two fellow human beings of the female variety. If an informed Dawg is unable to witness the fight first hand, a spotter Dawg is responsible for documenting and relating details of girl fight via pictures, video or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime.

29. If two Dawgs decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40pm. Also despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.

30. A Dawg doesn’t comparison shop.

31. When on the prowl, a Dawg hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know.

32. A Dawg doesn’t allow another Dawg to get married until he’s at least thirty.

33. When in a public restroom, a Dawg (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, “What is this, a chicks’ restroom?” if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to basketball toss his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball…rebounding is optional.

34. Dawgs cannot make eye-contact during a devil’s three-way.

35. It is appropriate for a coed dawg to participate in a three-way with a Dawg. Furthermore, it is also appropriate for a coed Dawg to participate in a three-way with her BFF (or any of her female friends :-)) and the Dawg!

36. A Dawg may have a sexual relationship with a coed Dawg.

37. A Dawg never rents a chick flick with a coed Dawg or by himself.

38. A Dawg shall never call another Dawg by a pet name or any other term of endearment.

39. A Dawg never discusses events that have occurred in the past. Yesterday cannot be changed so why bring it up? Start each day fresh.

40. When questioned in the company of women, a Dawg always decries fake breasts.

41. A Dawg is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly they’re not that heavy.

42. Even in a fight to the death a Dawg never punches another Dawg in the groin.

43. When a Dawg gets a chicks number, he must wait at least ninety-six hours before calling her. The reason is Dawg-flation which is an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how Dawgs should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends that you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, Dawgs all over the world will find themselves trapped in relationships and all because you couldn’t wait 96 little hours.

44. Should a Dawg become stricken with engagement, his Dawgs shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as “a bachelor party”.

45. Dawgs shall never love each other outside the realm of Dawgship.

46. If an argument ensues between two Dawgs, a third Dawg will be needed to settle the argument. If an argument ensues between a Dawg and a coed Dawg, the Dawg’s decision will be the final decision.

47. A Dawg shall never drink the last beer unless explicit permission has been granted.

48. Never diss a fellow Dawg if his favorite sports team just lost a crushing game.

49. Birthday and Christmas presents for your fellow Dawgs are optional, but beer always makes a great gift.

50. If you go to the bar with your Dawgs, you must buy at least one round of drinks.

51. When out with the Dawgs, never accept a call from your girlfriend/wife/etc.

52. Never share a bed with another Dawg unless it is a coed Dawg.

53. This code can be revised at any time ONLY by a Dawg. Women, including coed Dawgs are NOT allowed to modify this code in any way.

Where Are You Going?

Aug
24

Such as life, full of grief and strife.
Struggle each day. Is life going astray?
Keep it in tact, stay on track.

Such as life, full of joy and bliss.
Live life full until termination prevails.
Today ’till tomorrow, life is love, not sorrow.
The grass is greener as life is cultivated.

Learn to live though life may take and life may give
A mind dominated by hate only travels the road to fate.
A heart of affection journeys towards a meaningful direction.

The Island of Greed

Aug
14

There once was a small island far, far away
And on it lived a man who was sad until one day
He found a treasure, which made him happy and gay,
But off this little island he had no way.

He dreamed of the things he could buy and places he could see
With the magnificent treasure he found that made him so happy.
He thought of things to do to escape this island in the sea,
But nothing seemed to work, at least nothing of reality.

One day he noticed a ship passing by
Out of a shirt he made a flag to fly.
Was this his way off the island? It was worth a try.
But the captain saw the treasure and couldn’t believe his eyes.

The captain asked, “Would thee liked to be removed from this land?
If so, give me your treasure and well, my man,
I will take thee far, far away to places that are grand.”
“I will not give up thy treasure which was unburied by my own hands.”

The captain grew angry, and pulled out his gun
And said, “Give me your treasure or your life will be done!”
The greedy island man grabbed the treasure and began to run.
Escape was quite troublesome, for the treasure weighed a ton.

He ran and ran ’till he was out of breath,
So he sat on a rock to take a rest.
He was shot from behind by the pirates of the sea,
The death of another victim claimed by greed.